journey-of-a-rebel

Phase One: Disillusionment

Kyla Robinson

In the journey of In-voulution, the illusory reality you are living in, is a primary source of dysfunction. This reality involves a distorted perception of self which in turn affects the way you behave, think, and connect with others. In order to make any changes in your life, you must first know what it is that you are not happy with. This survey of all the things “wrong” in your life is the first phase of In-volution: Disillusionment. Disillusionment, per my definition, is the breaking down of your mental framework to analyze and restructure your thoughts. 

I originally thought it would be simple to write about these phases, but as I begin to write about this first phase of disillusionment, that thought diminished in itself. I realized that, as these phases are cycling about our journey, they also have a mirror effect on each other. By that I mean, I cannot write about disillusionment without speaking on introspection and puddling into the breakthrough phase. Each cycle is almost one in the same, while the lessons change. Then, I realized that in order to write about this phase, I had to relive the beginning stages of my journey. Discomfort filled my brain, having to remember the crumbling stages of my very own In-volution.  I allowed myself to sit with this discomfort again, so I could really describe what disillusionment felt like. From my own personal experience, disillusionment is the worst and best part of In-volution. It feels like everything is crumbling around you, inside of you, and because of you. When I was 20, I met a guy that I really liked a lot and I immediately developed an unhealthy attachment to him. The end result of this connection, landed me into the disillusionment phase. First, I was disillusioned by the fact that this guy was not my “soulmate”.  More importantly, I realized that my lack of self worth is what got me in this predicament. That whole year and years prior, I had been playing out a false sense of security and self-esteem. After things ended with him, I went further into a downward spiral, full of discontent, confusion, and isolation. 

 

Disillusionment is not pretty nor is it fun, but it is necessary for transformation. Much like my experience, this phase can hit you like a wrecking ball and turn your life completely upside down. However, there are subtle experiences, such as hating your job, that may also spark disillusionment. Regardless of the experience, the purpose of phase one is to make you stop and look at yourself. Disillusionment requires self-accountability to be effective. As you begin this process, you must allow complete honesty with yourself and no judgement. This is your chance to really understand what you think of yourself deep down. As I stated, this is the time for you to sit and analyze your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. We are socially trained throughout growing into an adult from our families, the media, friends, music, etc. Take a moment to describe yourself, your interests, your passions, and your relationships. As you write these things, you have to ask yourself: is this really who I am or is it who I have been shaped to be by the external world? Disillusionment comes in to shatter any illusion of what you think you are by shattering your own mirror so you can explore the pieces of your puzzle. It offers you a blank slate. What do you do with a blank slate? In hindsight, you create something new with it. In that present moment of not understanding a single thing in your life and feeling like you hit rock bottom of a downward spiral, a blank slate is your breakthrough.

During my disillusionment, I isolated myself and decided that I was going to only focus on me. I was not happy with myself because I was not truly loving and accepting me. I was allowing my worth to be scored on an external scale. I spent a lot of those months crying my eyes out, looking at myself in the mirror with distaste. I felt unworthy, foolish, hurt, and confused. In the midst of all of those feelings, I began to ask more questions about my role in the situation and less about what the guy did. I had to hold myself accountable for not trusting my intuition, not staying true to me, not upholding boundaries, etc. My disillusionment allowed me to break the illusion that someone else is responsible for my desired reality. Throughout this process of unraveling, I learned how different childhood experiences, family dynamics, and social conditioning played a huge role in the very patterns I was displeased with. This constant loop between introspection and disillusionment, allowed my feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance to be noticed. Diving deep into why you do things, can get pretty ugly depending on your past but, digging under those layers of darkness helped to strike the light inside of me. I was finally able to see the real me and not a version created to be accepted by others. Phase one allows you to open your eyes to a new meaning of love: self-love. The parts I was displeased with showed me how my story was being written by the world. My past experiences were literally the author of my book of life, creating pages of the same patterns of betraying my truth. Thanks to this breakthrough that appeared to be a crisis, I began my transmutation right in the very moments of my disillusionment. 

This phase is not simple and will not be over in just a day. 3 years later and I still cycle back to those same feelings, reminding myself of my strength. Sometimes those feelings come back to show you where you're still giving away your power to create your reality. You do not have to be a victim of your trials and tribulations. Transmutation is the ultimate goal and this first phase is just a small step of In-volution. As you move along your day, think about what you're not happy with in your life. Then, ask yourself, how can you change that circumstance? How did you allow yourself to be in that current position? There is a deeper issue at the root. Are you seeing clearly or only the illusion on the surface? What you experience is a subject of your self perception. This journey is about getting to know you so wipe out the judgments and words of any other person. Your puzzle is yours, so create whatever picture you please. 

 

With Luv always,

 

Kyla Robinson


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